Lists and Mental Clutter
18 November 2021
I'm obsessed with lists.
For basically the entirety of my (young) adult life, I've kept an excessive amount of lists: written lists, lists in my phone, on my computer, wherever. Like most people, I keep several different types of lists. You know, to-do lists, and then the other kinds. Do people keep as many different types of lists as I do? Or is it just to-do lists?
Really, I'm just assuming that everyone does this, but maybe I'm wrong. I don't even know how to conceptualize whether it's normal at this point. That's how bad it's gotten. The lists have consumed me. For me, it's far more than your basic to-do list:
I mean look at this. I'm so obsessed with lists that I just had to throw one into this blog post as soon as it was feasible. And believe me, the list goes on. Yeah. The list of lists goes on.
I'm a very organized (maybe neurotic) person, and I think the lists I keep might tell you that even if you didn't know me, but it's gotten to the point where I overlist (newly coined term). It's gotten to the point where I think of something, an idea perhaps, or a thing I need to remember to do, and I add it to a list. But the lists just keep growing. I forget what's on 80% of my lists at any given time. And what's more: the lists don't get any shorter either. And you can probably take a guess as to why that might be, and where this post is going.
I feel overwhelmed by the lists! The lists! Imagine the SpongeBob episode with the hooks, but with lists.
I end up doing none of the tasks on the to-do lists, pursuing none of the potential hobbies on the hobbies lists, or realizing any of the ideas on the ideas lists. So, why do I keep lists? Well, I think I have an answer for that.
I use lists as some kind of avoidance mechanism. What am I avoiding? I'm not sure. Maybe the fear of things I choose to do potentially not working out? Failing? Wasting time? Something along these lines. But the point is, the lists aren't helping like I think they are. Instead they're hindering my growth and contributing to a cluttered mind.
I add things to lists with a false sense of relief: "Ahhh, it's on the list, now I can relax." Relax… and do what? Clearly, nothing on the list. And yet, those things I add to the list are still in my head, just in a more ambiguous blob-like form. The ideas and items I add to lists also get added to my headspace and float around in their blob form, weighing me down and significantly hindering my clarity.
I'm writing this now because it's finally started to overwhelm me enough, and I need to assess and rethink my system. I'm still going to keep lists, but I need to have some sort of vetting process by which I'm able to really determine if this newly-conceived list item deserves to be a list item, or if I should kill it on the spot. My lists are exclusive clubs from this day on. Not just any list item can get in.
— Derek Andersen